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Post by RayanStiger on Jul 25, 2005 1:06:25 GMT -5
(I FINISHED!!! FINALLY!!!!!! HALLELUJAH!!! *dances in circles* Okay, at long last, here is chapter 2!!!
Warning: It's long. Almost 10 pages. Yikes.)
[Chapter 2 – Network Congregation]
DP sat at a solid, wooden desk in his gray swivel chair, staring intently at his computer screen. The energetic music blaring from his headphones all but drowned out the click, clacking of his fingers rapidly punching the keys on his keyboard. DP pasted a half grin to his face as he poured his energy into typing his English project. Nothing boosted his spirits the way music did when he was forced into writing up something for class.
“Ki nee to WAH to NEE TOO aaaoooooooh… Kinooo suusuroo… arosa TEHHhh, Eenah guusheroo AYUUUUUUUUuuuu!” DP sang along in a loud voice. He really had no idea what the words were; the song was in Japanese, but he mouthed the syllables anyways, often skipping entire words or lines by improvising. DP knew that, should any Japanese person happen to hear him, he would likely be sacked by ninjas. When the song finished, DP slid his chair back and shot his hands up with a whoop similar to the one he gave at the end of math class.
“Woot! Homework all finished!” he declared triumphantly. DP sighed with the tremendous satisfaction of actually finishing his homework early for once. He bobbed back and forth on the chair as he looked about his sanctuary. The walls were of wood lining, with various bookshelves and toy cabinets leaning up against them. The ceiling was a darker, tanner shade than the traditional white ceiling, painted using semi-circle stroke motions. Behind him stood the twin wooden French doors with multi-paneled windows. The windows were draped over by linen covering, which was meant both to keep the sun out during its descent late in the day, and to cover up the single cardboard panel filling in for a broken window section. DP had broken it one night when his friends were goofing off with him. Stupid window. It wasn’t his fault that the doors were French.
A brick hearth and fireplace lay to DP’s left, and the door leading to his room on his right. In the middle of the room rested a variously shaded sofa and an entire arsenal of weapons. Swords with PVC pipe skeletons stood propped up against the sofa, with countless other plastic swords, knives, nunchaku, sais, guns, axes, bamboo staffs and more swords that lay scattered about the floor and propped up against various objects. As one of his friends had once said, DP had enough weapons to start a war, and likely enough to win one. This was DP’s doing, as his fetish for weaponry was infamous amongst his friends and anyone who ever visited the basement of his house. The other contributing factor was his brothers, who were at the ripe age of discovering the delight of bludgeoning things with assorted weaponry.
He folded his arms behind his head and leaned as far back in his chair as he could without tipping over. DP couldn’t help but grin. This was his domain; here he could enjoy and forget about life when alone. Aside from an occasional trespassing from his younger siblings, his personal realm was rarely disturbed. He enjoyed the isolation, especially whenever none of his friends were available and the only things to do were either play video games or surf the Internet.
As he was alone and without distraction, DP pondered over how to spend the rest of his evening. He glanced at the clock. 5:15. “Dang it, I forgot that I was supposed to meet everybody online fifteen minutes ago!” DP exclaimed, slapping his forehead.
“That’s because you were too busy butchering the Japanese language with your singing.” The voice DP heard was feminine, yet it had firmness to it. He looked down at his desk, where his custom-designed light violet PET with fancy swirled red and blue siding sat propped up near his computer. Inside the small screen of the PET stood a navi dressed in a light violet samurai robe. Two katana blades were in their identical purplish-beige colored sheathes at her left side. Her hair went down to her waist in two ponytails protruding from the back of her head in a v-shape, hanging stiffly in mid-air parallel to her back. Her eyes were cool and brown, both keen and serious.
“Relax, Shira,” DP said, waving his navi off with a flick of his wrist. “I was just having fun. Besides, I like to goof off every now and then.”
“More like all the time.”
DP shook his head as he looked at his navi’s stiff composure. He noted how much her appearance reflected her firm, sober nature. Navis were created with an emotional simulator program installed in them, enabling them to think, act and feel similarly to how real humans did. Shira however made DP wonder if she had been created without one, or that hers was defective. Shira was the most serious-minded navi DP had ever known.
“You should try having fun like I do sometime, Shira. You’re so serious about everything. Maybe you should lighten up a little.”
“You’re making your friends wait.”
“Fine, suit yourself,” DP shrugged. It was no use- Shira was all business, as usual. “Anyways, jack into the Internet so we can meet up with everybody.”
“Very well…”
Shira exhaled slowly. As she shut her eyes, Shira found herself encased in bright crimson and sapphire light. After a moment, Shira felt herself breaking into individual pixils as she transmitted into the Internet as a beam of purple light. When she materialized in the network system, Shira floated through a large cylindrical tube and entered a data stream.
Shira appeared in a flash of yellow light upon arriving at her destination, standing on a bluish-transparent floating walkway. She opened her eyes and looked steadily about her. White and teal text floated past her, melting into a bluish background image of a warrior in white armor mounted for battle upon a Pegasus. She had reached DP’s xanga site, the homepage Shira went to automatically whenever DP jacked into his home computer.
“All right, now that you’re on, head over to our blogring meeting site. That’s the most likely place you’ll find Mint and the other navis. If they aren’t there, then we can search everybody’s xanga until we find where they’re at.” Shira heard her operator’s voice through the PET. PETs had speakers to allow operators to communicate with their navis. There was even a button on the side that created an image of the operator in a small window near his own navi using an evolved Eye Toy component, dubbed “Eye Candy.”
“As you say,” Shira said, indifferent. She caught sight of a large security cube a small distance away, restricting access to the link behind it. Shira came up in front of it and reached out to touch the cube. Shira’s hand glowed a bluish color as she activated the security code; the cube flashed, then opened and disappeared. She stepped onto the link panel and closed her eyes felt herself dissolve into a stream of data.
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Post by RayanStiger on Jul 25, 2005 1:12:39 GMT -5
When Shira opened her eyes again, she stood upon a black-lined purple flooring. Images of stars twinkled against a black background. Shira scanned the area for other navis, making almost immediate contact with a floppy-looking bundle of baby blue. It appeared to be a female navi in her very early pre-teens, judging according to human growth. She wore very large dress and a large hat with a fuzz ball hanging off the tip. The navi sat down on the ground. Resting beside her was a golden staff, decorated by a red gem on the tip. Shira overheard her conversing with her operator from where she stood at a distance.
“Dang it, Mint, nobody’s on yet!” Shira heard the voice of her operator’s friend Alan perfectly clear as he whined. “I’ve checked all the active threads on Ria High, read all the applications, posted on my xanga, surfed the net… and still nobody’s here. Why must I suffer waiting like this…” He groaned and pounded his fist on his desk, causing his navi to clamp her hands over her head and pull the loose part of her hat down over her ears.
“Ahhh! Alan, not so loud!” Mint squealed as she was rocked by the tremor. The navi tried to keep her balance as she bounced several times, but stumbled and fell flat on her face. Alan stopped pounding his desk and looked at his navi.
“Oops, sorry, Mint,” Alan said, sounding utterly idiotic. “I guess you can feel what I do because I’m using the jack-in cord, huh?” Shira shook her head. Her human operator had quite a moron for a friend. “Birds of a feather…” Shira left the rest of the quote unfinished as she walked directly behind Mint. Shira made her presence known with in a clear voice.
“I’ve arrived.”
Mint initially struggled to get up, and it took several moments for her to climb her way back to her feet. When she finally succeeded, Mint turned around, her face beginning to beam. “Hi, Shira!” Mint hopping on over to Shira and gave her a charming smile. Shira felt almost unable to restrain from contorting her cool expression to one of repulsion.
“There’s no need to be happy about seeing me,” Shira told Mint in a detached manner. “Save it for when the others arrive.” Mint cocked her head to the side. “Hmm? Why not?” she asked in a childish voice. Shira felt Mint’s gaze eat away at her skin. Shira contemplated whether to explain her reasons, but the appearance of her operator’s icon cut her short. She decided to listen in to his conversation instead of answering the other navi.
“Heya, Alan! What’s up, buddy?” he greeted him with enthusiasm.
“DP!” Alan exclaimed, cheering up immensely on the spot. “Where have you been? I’ve been waiting here forever!”
“Eh, sorry. I just finished my homework,” DP replied casually. “So, where is everybody? Shouldn’t they be here already?” he asked.
“Hell, yeah. Damn, I’m sick of waiting…” Alan said, dropping his voice. “Where are that stupid Ky and his navi?”
Shira’s eyes became distant. It would likely be a long, dull wait. Shira could be patient, but Mint and her operator made that difficult. Still, she tried not to look down on them, the only exception being when they showed extreme signs of incompetence and idiocy. In regards to Alan, the “exception” was the norm.
Suddenly, Mint piped up. “Alan, I’m detecting navi data nearby.” Alan’s face perked up in an instant. “A navi? Quick, is it Ky?!”
“I’m not sure…” Mint replied. She held out her staff in the direction she detected the data from and closed her eyes. The gem on the end of her staff began to glow as Mint attempted to decode the data of the incoming navi. “I think I’ve got its code signature. It’s… it’s…”
A sudden beam of blue and white light appeared several feet away from Shira. A young, diminutive navi materialized, clutching to a white ball almost the same size. The navi had the appearance of a two-year-old girl. She wore a light blue dress with white frill underneath, adorable brown slippers and white socks. Her short blonde hair came down in bangs that covered most of her forehead. She sat gazing right at Shira with her large, blue eyes deep as an ocean.
“A blob…” DP finished Mint’s statement as he looked at the white sphere the little girl was holding onto. The said blob had two black slits for eyes, and a cat-like mouth.
“Oh, like I haven’t heard that one before!” it retorted. Shira watched as her operator’s jaw slackened in unbelief.
“THE BLOB SPEAKS!”
Mint giggled as she approached the little navi and leaned forward with her hands folded neatly behind her back. “Hiya, Cherry!” she sang with a high, sweet voice. The little girl navi gave a shy smile in return. Mint turned towards Cherry’s companion and stooped down to pat it on the head. “You’re cute too, Pie,” she cooed to the blob. Pie looked like it wasn’t appreciative of Mint’s actions. “Gee, thanks for pointing out that I’m vertically challenged!”
Shira stared at Cherry and Pie dubiously. “A little girl and her pet ooze. How repulsively adorable.” She sighed. “I’m tired of always being around navis that haven’t reached puberty yet…”
Shira was interrupted by Steph’s sharp, high-pitched voice crackling over her PET. “Hey, guys! Sorry I’m late. My mom was yelling at me about something. Ugh…” She sounded slightly annoyed, but she seemed even more excited. “So, where’s Kyalan?”
“That appears to be the question at hand,” DP replied, shrugging his shoulders. “Nobody’s seen him around. Maybe the bit about him having a navi was just a rumor.”
Alan sighed. “I guess not…” Experiencing a sudden change of mood, Alan chuckled, “Well Rene, your navi sure is cute. Unlike you…” Steph shot him one of her killer glares. “Baka! I’m gonna come over there and beat your sorry ass in a moment! I know where you live.” Alan heeded her warning as much as a telemarketer does when told not to call a house again. “You know it’s true…” he murmured.
Shira shook her head as she heard Steph tear into Alan with words the made her operator’s hairs stand on his head. She glanced at Mint and Cherry, then at the icons with their operators’ expressions on them. Shira had seen enough human conflict. Her eyes followed the ground with detached interest as she gradually isolated herself from the group.
What a useless waste of time…
The sudden explosion of a shot from behind nearly caused Shira to stumble. She jerked her body to the side just as the trace of the bullet whizzed mere inches past her face; acting on instinct, she turned herself around on a pivot and found herself facing her attacker. It was a male navi covered in a tight black bodysuit. His boots, helmet and gauntlets were adorned in light and dark purples, and a dark purple cloak hung down his back and wrapped about his lower face and upper torso. Smoke poured out of his vicious looking gun, pointed directly at Shira. He held it parallel to his right arm and protruded from a hinge behind his shoulder.
Shira looked at her attacker as if he had shot a mere puff of fresh air. “You missed.”
“I never miss,” the navi replied in a calm, rational voice. “I could have killed you if I wanted to, but then that would mean I wouldn’t get to have the pleasure of meeting you.” He stared at her with the firmest matter-of-fact look Shira had ever seen. Although she had been caught off guard by the navi’s mysterious stealth abilities, Shira stared back, unintimidated.
How did he appear like that, and why couldn’t I detect that he was there?
Shira eyed her attacker warily. She knew she needed more information on her potential foe, and thus posed a question. “For what reason did you attack me?” she asked in the same tone he used in addressing her; their attitudes appeared to be virtually the same.
“You looked bored. I thought I would enhance your life with a little excitement.”
“Just who are you, and where did you come from?” DP interjected. Shira could tell that her operator had been stunned at least momentarily when she was fired upon, and that he was gathering his wits. At that moment, another icon appeared on DP’s monitor.
“Hey there, DP. What do you think of my navi?”
DP blinked hard at the screen, as if to make sure he was seeing –and hearing- properly. “Kyalan!? Dang, nice entrance, man.”
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Post by RayanStiger on Jul 25, 2005 1:17:34 GMT -5
“Thanks. I try,” Kyalan replied. He spoke with an innate sense of cool and infallible confidence in his abilities. He had slightly parted thin, unruly black hair, piercing calm brown eyes, and always wore clothing that possessed as much attitude as he did, regardless of style. Kyalan was the standard of an anime-inspired Asian with class.
“Well, you sure lived up to your namesake. So, why the sudden drop-in?”
“I just thought you’d enjoy a little competition between Shira and Valest, is all,” Kyalan answered. His voice was smooth and unhesitant, full of inner confidence. Kyalan’s display of cool-headed rational thinking was cut short by Steph’s acute squeal of delight.
“EEEEEeeee!!! Kyalan! You’re finally here!” The girl admired Valest with a sense of adoring awe. “Ooooooh, wow! Valest looks sooooo cool!”
“Um, gee, thanks…” Kyalan made an uneasy smile and scratched the back of his head, embarrassed.
“Valest’s your navi’s name, huh?” DP spoke up, and then chuckled softly to himself. “You guessed right when you supposed that I’d be up for a net battle. This I’m looking forward to!” A gleam struck fire in his eyes, and a slight grin grew upon his lips- Shira knew that her operator craved to battle Ky. Operators such as her own often combated their navis against another’s. This was referred to as “net battling,” and it was the most popular hobby in existence.
“HOLD IT!” Alan shouted pointing his finger at his monitor. Shira thought he was doing it for dramatic effect, but instead he looked only more idiotic. “I’m battling Ky first! I’ve been waiting all day for this- you’re going down, pretty boy! Battle routine, set! Execute, Mint!”
His navi stared off into space, oblivious to her master’s command.
“MINT! WAKE UP!”
“Wagh!” Mint nearly fell over from surprise at Alan’s shouting as she snapped out of a daydream. “Oh, I see. Ky’s navi is here now! You want me to fight him I guess?”
“YES, attack Ky’s navi, Mint!” Alan said in a suppressed impatient tone.
“Okay, I’m ready, Alan!” Alan let out a sinister chuckle as he fished in his pocket for something. His hand emerged from his pocket holding a battle chip: a small floppy-disk look-alike device that human operators inserted into their PETs to send powers and weapons to their navis during a net battle.
“Alan, what are you doing?!” Steph yelled at him. Alan merely laughed in response. “I’m bringing Ky down! Just watch me, Rene!” He gripped his PET in his hand firmly and shouted, “Meteor battle chip, in!”
The chip clicked into his PET firmly. Mint closed her eyes and then extended her staff, the jewel tip glowing a radiant reddish-orange color. A flurry of fiery meteors cascaded down from the starry-background sky, punishing the ground behind Valest as they approached him. Ky, however, seemed unconcerned. “You never learn, do you Alan...” Ky said, and then coolly commanded, “Valest, activate the DataStream cloak.” Valest nodded. With a single arm motion, Valest spread his cloak out and covered his entire body; he became instantaneously invisible. The meteors struck empty ground.
“Aweeee…” Mint pouted. “Alan, Valest vanished, so none of the meteors hit him.”
“Crap… stupid Ky…” Alan hissed under his breath. Suddenly, he froze, and his eyes became wide. “Mint, watch out! The meteors are coming at you!”
“Wha…?” Mint said in a confused tone as she turned around. Her response was an expression that mimicked Alan’s to a fault. “AHHHH! Help!” Mint frantically danced back and forth as a shower of flaming chunks of rock cascaded down upon her. By the time all the meteors had expired, Mint looked like a charbroiled biscuit; she flumped down on the ground, burned, hair frizzed, outfit tarnished. Her body twitched involuntarily.
“I… think there are still some bugs in my PET…” Mint squeaked to her operator.
DP couldn’t keep from laughing. “Ha, ha, ha! Good job, Alan! Burned by your own meteors… I’m glad I’m not your navi.”
“Oh, hush! It’s not my fault!” Alan said defensively. His hands formed defiant fists, one of which he shook at his monitor. “Stupid… Ky… If his navi hadn’t turned invisible, I wouldn’t have lost! He just makes me look bad, that’s all!”
Kyalan smirked at his pathetic rival. “It’s what I’m here for, Alan. It’s what I’m here for.”
“See? I told you to stay awake in navi customization class, Alan!” Steph said. Alan blew her off with a puff of hot air and murmured about the various reasons he could have beaten Ky. He seemed to be oblivious to the fact that the others weren’t listening in.
“Well…” DP interrupted, “Now that Alan’s out of the way, we can have our net battle.” DP turned towards his navi and asked, “You ready to fight, Shira?” Shira nodded her head firmly. There had been no need for her operator to ask the question in the first place; from the moment Valest’s finger squeezed the trigger, Shira’s one intention had been to engage her assailant in battle.
“Fine, then. Let’s do this,” Ky replied calmly. “If you can even find my navi, that is.”
Suddenly, Shira was struck by the realization that Valest had remained invisible ever since he vanished in his short bout with Mint. He could be anywhere, ready to strike at her at any moment. Her eyes narrowed as she studied her surroundings for any signs of movement, and strained her ears for any perceivable sound her adversary might make.
Her efforts were paid off by a click behind her, so soft that it was nearly inaudible. Shira spun around and drew her blades to block the shot Valest released at her center region. Sparks burst as the bullet glanced off the flat sides of her katanas. Another shot; Shira deflected it like the first, and rushed forward into the oncoming fire. She predicted the third shot to be at her left side near her heart, so she moved right as she ran. The third shot skimmed past an inch beneath her left shoulder. Shira scanned for movement as she came to her most critical moment.
Found you.
She propelled herself forward in a gliding jump with her blades crossed. Shira swung diagonally and struck something solid. Valest’s frame gradually became visible- he held Shira’s swords locked with a short red energy katar jutting out from his left gauntlet.
“Not bad,” Valest said, “But I’ve got more tricks up my sleeve than just cloaking.” The gun attached to the back of his shoulder swiveled around and locked into place, aimed directly at Shira’s head. A glowing green energy blast surged out from the gun. Shira twisted her body and dodged her head left just as the powerful charged shot reached her. It missed her head, but struck her right shoulder as it flew past, tearing off her clothing where it hit and burned her pixilated skin. Shira half-clenched her teeth as she ripped her blades free from the lock with Valest’s katar and swooped in on his right. Her sword thrust forward, but sliced through only thin air as Valest leapt backwards several feet.
“Time to make things interesting,” Ky announced. He slipped in two battle chips into his PET. Valest aimed his gun upwards and fired; three small, spherical blue bombs ejected from his cannon, lobbed upwards to land near Shira artillery style. She knew she didn’t have time for mistakes in guessing where the bombs would land, so she dove forward, tucking her body into a roll. Shira felt the heat from the explosions as she ended her roll and got back up on her feet. She looked at Valest. He wore the expression of a pro- cool, indifferent, effective. In his hand was a large, purple yo-yo. He flicked his finger, sending it sailing towards Shira, razor-sharp blades extending from the outside. Shira instinctively brought her swords in front of her to block. Shira endured the impact until she felt the blades gradually wind down. Eventually, the yo-yo snapped back to Valest’s hand. Sensing an opportunity to strike, Shira moved in and struck at her opponent horizontally, but once again she hit nothing as he vanished.
Nothing I do is working against him. There has to be a way to nullify his cloaking advantage. Shira thought. But what?
“Shira, I think I know how to deal with Valest’s cloaking power,” DP said. He usually didn’t say much when Shira fought because he knew she could concentrate better with less banter. DP only communicated with her during net battles in critical moments such as this.
“As much as I hoped to not have to, we’re going to need to use a chip,” he continued. “I’m sending the data now.”
Shira immediately sheathed one of her katanas to leave it open to use the chip data sent by her operator. Shira felt the power of the data crackle in her hand. She looked down with solemn curiosity; a small, crystal-like prism fit snugly in the palm of her hand. What was her operator thinking? Prism chips were designed to deflect projectiles; the user was supposed to fire into it, and the flack from the shot would spread in all directions. It made no sense to use a Prism chip when she used only swords…
After a moment, her operator’s plan struck her, but there was no time to tell her operator that she understood- she slide sideways to dodge as another bullet whistled past her ear. Shira had been lucky in predicting where Valest would shoot so far, but she knew he was adapting to her methods and would shoot her down if she didn’t end this fight. Her operator’s plan was her only recourse. Shira flung the prism in front of her. It grew as it fell through the air, landing with a crash at many times its original size. Dodging bullets as she went, Shira rushed for the prism with Godspeed; she launched herself into the air and held her drawn sword pointed downwards as she fell. The blade pierced the prism, causing it to rupture and burst into thousands of crystalline shards. A bright dome of energy surged out from the impact, which then split into countless spheres of energy that fired off in all directions. When Shira looked up, she saw Valest in plain sight.
“Ha! My plan worked!” DP whooped. He pulled out another battle chip and inserted it into his PET. “Shira, now’s the time to end this! Area Steal!”
Shira nodded just before vanishing from sight. When she reappeared, Shira was directly in front of Valest, giving him no more opportunity to use his long-range advantage. She struck with her blades, feeling them clash with Valest’s katar. Shira withdrew her weapons and swung again, blocking Valest’s attacks and countering with her own. She continued to press the attack, slashing horizontally, vertically, and diagonally, parrying and thrusting forward, all in one liquid flurry. After what seemed to be an eternal dance of death, Valest glanced one of her blows aside and spun around, his katar blade held less than an inch from Shira’s throat. He spoke with an expression devoid of emotion.
“You lose.”
“Not quite,” Shira replied. The tip of her blade rested upon his chest, just above his heart.
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Post by RayanStiger on Jul 25, 2005 1:25:53 GMT -5
{Author's notes: WHEW! I DID, everybody! WOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!! Man, that was killer. Sorry it took me so long. I really didn't want to have so many delays. But this is a LONG chapter. Also, things got really complicated with character interaction in the middle of it, so I had to trudge through some sticky details a little bit.
Whew, man I'm fried. I just finished a few minutes ago and it's about 2:30 AM... not much left of me to write author's notes comments! I'll just do that later... with my own insights on my writing and such. However, I'm sure you noticed that Cherry, Pie and Steph aren't doing much at the end of the chapter. There's a reason for that, which I'll put at the start of the 3rd chapter.
More in-depth comments later. Me exhausted. Happy reading, everbody!}
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Aldora
Infantry
LadyDarkness
Where there is Light, there is Darkness. Darkness and Light are the two halves of one.
Posts: 105
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Post by Aldora on Jul 25, 2005 1:26:59 GMT -5
Hehe sweet! Nice and long too. Hehehe French... *yawnz* sleepiness. Really good stuff!
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Post by KuraiGekkou on Jul 25, 2005 1:27:16 GMT -5
Best quote in the story.
DP stared at it in unbelief. “THE BLOB SPEAKS!” XD!!
Oh man.. this reminds me of sooo many events in Real life. Amazing work DP. Its like looking into a yearbook at the same time reading something supa kewl XD
Prisim chip, yoyo Chip, Bomb, and meteor. Good reference to Battle network at the same time.
now how am i suppose to make my story look good and still work on Ria high? ::sob::
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Post by bladeofky on Jul 25, 2005 1:59:14 GMT -5
haha, excellent job. Well worth the wait. I liked the random splashes of randomosity (“MINT! WAKE UP!”). They provided some nice comic relief and a humorous little pause to what is otherwise a very fluid story.
(My god man...10 pages?! This is frikin' novel.)
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Post by Gai on Jul 25, 2005 11:03:11 GMT -5
HAHAHA and then later on, Shadow man shall come and slay you all very goodly while David laughs like a maniac!!
MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by RayanStiger on Jul 25, 2005 12:20:44 GMT -5
{More author's notes: I was so exhausted last night that I couldn't fall asleep... But it was all worth it! BWAHAHA!!! Now for insights...
I spent most of my time in writing this chapter shifting between description-heavy sections and character interaction. As you can see, the first part was more of the former, gradually changing into more character interaction (until the battle between Valest and Shira) later on. I really tried to appeal to the senses and the imagination so that you could read portions of this chapter and see what's going on in your mind. The character interaction keeps the story going and retains its sense of believability, while the description keeps it fresh. I think that, for the most part, I hit the nail squarely on this one.
Heh heh. I like the various funny stuff I put in here. Let's see. We have DP singing in Japanese, making fun of the French (always a plus) and DP's clumsiness simultaneously, my weapon stash, the blob (XD!) Mint getting fried by her own meteors, and of course Alan making himself look like a moron. The only thing missing is DP hitting on some girls and Alan getting beat up by them. More of that in the next chapter. XP
I put in so much effort into this. And it was all worth it. I know it's not perfect- I've already found several mistakes that need changing and some parts that I could keep certain characters more in person, but that doesn't bother me in the least. As some wise-dude once said, "There is no great writing, only great re-writing." Even really good (I think so anyways) first-draft writing won't be as good as it would be if it were edited several times over. So I get to have the joy of going back and weeding out the flaws time and again later. That's half the fun of writing, actually, and half the work process. But for now, I sit basking glorious in the fruits of my triumph, although I find myself incapable of movement. I'm all stiff from yesterday's little party where I nearly killed myself thrice. I'm glad I lived to write the end of this chapter, tho! XD
Ah, the battle scene. It was so clear in my mind. I think I made it quite visible for people reading it, too. The only thing in retrospection I'm currently planning on changing is that Valest is more serious in battle (without smirking frequently), and the part with the yo-yo chip attack is a little hard to understand. Ah, well. Live and learn. Buuuuuuut... Shira fighting Valest is sooooo kewl! XD I really like my prism shatter idea, too.
Thanks everybody for reading! Glad to see you enjoyed it!}
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Post by bladeofky on Jul 25, 2005 13:05:18 GMT -5
eh, just a suggestion for the re-writing, could you explain the whole prism thing a little more for those of us who aren't MMBN savvy?
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Dysis
Newbie
Moo? Woo...
Posts: 71
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Post by Dysis on Jul 25, 2005 13:18:59 GMT -5
Yaaaay~that was good~
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Rene
Newbie
~*~Remember~*~
Posts: 41
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Post by Rene on Jul 25, 2005 14:11:07 GMT -5
^>^ YAAAY! Thankyou so much for your hard work. I printed out this page and its 13 pages long. The comments take up some pages.
My mom yelling at me. That seems fimiliar >.>
I really like it DP!!
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Rene
Newbie
~*~Remember~*~
Posts: 41
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Post by Rene on Jul 26, 2005 18:54:29 GMT -5
I've had this wallpaper (its suppose to be a wallpaper, photobucket resized it against my will) and its the same girl as DP's navi!
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Post by Harle on Jul 27, 2005 0:27:26 GMT -5
Wow, DP's navi is cool. But anyway, I really did enjoy your story. But I noted about seven errors, but they were very small and pretty much unnoticeable. This spanned out to be about nine pages on Microsoft Word, excluding the Author Note that you had put in the end. But anyway, I congratulate you on a job well done. Heh, this came in handy for when I was under the hair dryer. ^_^
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Post by Gai on Jul 27, 2005 0:35:26 GMT -5
that's a pretty neat navi pic. I need to find a pic for Shadowman.
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