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Post by RayanStiger on Jun 20, 2004 18:36:36 GMT -5
I STILL say your RO obsessed...but at least you try to do other stuff every now and then, I guess...
Anyways yeah! Good job. I'm getting mad inspiration to wrap up my final part of the 2nd chapter for the other fanfic (woulda written it already, but so much pain from wisdom teeth surgery), and this helped...
This part of your story really wrapped me into it. I held my jaw open like 3 times, thinking Kari was gonna die...saying "No...no...no!" Because I thought about how sad Rayan would be if she died, since he is just like me mostly... only more messed up in the head. Wait...is that even possible? Oh well, whatever! You get the idea...
anyways very good Alan! I see you haven't completely rotted your brain away yet! Say...MAYBE if you come back and rp again I MIGHT join RO...MAYBE. I'm considering it...
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Post by Taylor on Jun 20, 2004 23:53:44 GMT -5
Hehe, Dp how do you think I feel wit Rene dead?
I'm happy you did some! I didn't think you were gonna write some by today!!
I'm so sorry!!!!!!!! I didn't intend to make you feel so sad by telling you to not play so much rag!! Come on! We can still all do Ria like Mer and I are slowly. Aww don't feel bad. And what you talkin bout?! I like to rp with you!!
This fan fic was real good!
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Post by KuraiGekkou on Jun 21, 2004 16:05:32 GMT -5
thanks guys. After reading over mai story and then DPs. I relize i completely suck compare to DPs. So i just finished modifieng the story to make it sound a lil better. i just relized the multiple spelling and grammer errors. and i conclude that listning to RO music and writing stories dont mix along too well. And also i need to proofread O.o;;
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Post by Taylor on Jun 21, 2004 17:31:07 GMT -5
I'll read it again later. I'm eatin Tunafish! I like your avatar! That pic of me needs to be shot...
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Post by RayanStiger on Jun 21, 2004 21:17:37 GMT -5
Well...the reason mine is better is just because I'm going to be a writer! That is my calling! Besides, it's about the ONLY thing I can do, besides eat, play video games, and sword fight...where as I'm sure you can do lots of things. But yes, I spend much time on mine spellchecking, editing, etc. I only put it up when i feel that it can't really be improved upon at my current writing skill level, or if I really just have no more inspiration regarding a section of a story I've written. Then I just say, "Bah, who cares...all my other stuff is good, this'll just be one black sheep out of a hundred..." Actually, I'd think RO music would be quite GOOD to listen to as you write...I listen to lyricless music (video game music in my case). It helps a lot. But music with lyrics is usually distracting... that's why it helps to be a nerd like me so you only listen to nerdy vg music! Anyways keep it up! And believe me, you don't know how long it takes me to write up things with the quality I put into them...an hour minimum...
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Aldora
Infantry
LadyDarkness
Where there is Light, there is Darkness. Darkness and Light are the two halves of one.
Posts: 105
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Post by Aldora on Jun 22, 2004 15:55:15 GMT -5
I must say you have improved it. *re-reads* Hm, my character's being tortured. Oh well, still like it nehehe.
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Post by Taylor on Jun 26, 2004 2:27:10 GMT -5
O.O What's going to happen?!
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Post by KuraiGekkou on Aug 7, 2004 3:06:17 GMT -5
I would love to post up mai next 2/ parts of Kuro Rene but unfourtantly... i dunt see anyway i could plug mai thumb drive into this computer. No USB ports newhere. which makes me mucho sad cause i really enjoyed writing out this part T.T
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Post by KuraiGekkou on Aug 27, 2004 14:45:13 GMT -5
Kuro Rene Part KuraiGekkou
Well finally I have found some time to write more of Kuro Rene. Here I am sitting in the middle of china with nothing better to do. Well I hope your happy with this, even though this may not get posted till the time I get back into the US due to the lack of internet connection from this laptop. Now. About the story development so far, I believe I have dug myself too deep into a weird plot, which wasn¡¯t really planned into it. So now what am I going to do? I think I¡¯m going to have to just wing the rest of the story into something made up and stuff. Sooo where was I?
**return note** Hey guys! im back from china! turns out i had to wait till i got back. Neways this is the unrevised version of the story so it may be sloopy and a bit messy. SO if youwant to change anything you can actaully tell me and i may change it just for the hell of it. ^^ Enjoy! **ed**
Kurai stared down straight at the metallic shell that contained Rene¡¯s soul. ¡°so you programmed her with all mai movements calculated in her huh?¡± Kurai sounded cool even to the fact this was most likely going to be his death machine. ¡°huu!¡± He let out a puff of angry air. ¡°How badly do you want to kill me Jake?¡± Jake smiled. ¡°Quite badly Kurai. I mean. About 10 years you let Rene die in that building collapse hadn¡¯t you? So wouldn¡¯t it make sense that I would wish for you to die?¡± Kurai scratched his chin making himself look like in deep thought. ¡°Wait¡ your saying your accusing me of killing Rene?¡± He threw his arms widely in midair. (cause he sort of is floating in mid air also neways.) ¡°Mint was about to get killed under collapse too! I¡¯m sorry to say this but I had to put her over Rene¡¯s life! She¡¯s my only daughter isn¡¯t she?¡± Jake frowned. ¡°Mint already died once. I don¡¯t think Mint deserves the privilege of her existence in the real world. She lost her chance in the Real world already once so she screwed up. Rene had a chance to continue living, and you had that choice to save her life. So you took away her life instead!¡± He slammed the metallic table near his control panel. Kurai sputtered angrily. ¡°Dude! How often do you get a chance to have your only daughter reincarnated from the spirit world?¡± Kurai asked glaring at Jake. Jake only stared back at him. ¡°That¡¯s right. Not very often kid. So I wouldn¡¯t dare to loose her again.¡± Jake glared back at Kurai. Apparently both men were very stubborn on their point of view. ¡°We will see who¡¯s love is stronger I guess.¡± Jake then waved his hands and Kuro-Rene shot into the sky firing a blue flame from her feet. A wave of air washed over all who observed the fight. A few papers flew widely in the air and Toadess¡¯s hair waved widely.
Kurai couldn¡¯t react to such fast movements, Rene¡¯s fist flew straight into Kurai¡¯s face slamming him off balance from his aerial stance. His wings erected and twitched from the pain received and then quickly flapped himself about until he was upright. Kurai then forced himself to rocket towards Rene attempting to return the blow plus his own little anger. With a wild battle cry he swung his fist quickly towards Kuro-Rene. Kuro-Rene still with her emotionless face and listless eyes grabbed his fist right before contact against her skin. Kurai froze for a moment. Kuro-Rene¡¯s body then glowed white, her skin seemed to have light up and a haunting low humming sound produced from her body. Suddenly electricity crackled on the shoulder of the arm which held Kurai¡¯s fist. It tunneled through and around her arm till it reached Kurai¡¯s fist. Kurai screamed as the electricity burned his whole body eternally. His wings shot back and his body twisted inhumanly. Kurai struggled out of Rene¡¯s grip, but the electricity current with Rene made a dead grip with him. Aoshi stared at the lighted up Kurai with pain, ¡°Dang it¡¡± Aoshi muttered. Rayan then yelled out to Aoshi, ¡°Let me take over Aoshi! Ill blast that false Rene right out of the sky!¡± Aoshi didn¡¯t let Rayan take over. ¡°Rayan I can handle this on mai own!¡± And with that he threw his sword like a dart straight towards Rene. The sword caught Rene off guard and pierced straight into Rene¡¯s back. The electricity ran straight towards the sword and overcharged Rene¡¯s energy into a threatening bolt which hit Rene in the back. Rene quickly let go of Kurai¡¯s hand and she arched backwards in pain. Although her body showed she was in pain her face didn¡¯t show any emotion. Kurai stumbled about in the sky holding his head as he focused on Rene. Rene now was pulling the sword out of her back and then tossing it off to the side. Jake stared at Aoshi annoyed. ¡°You stay out of this or else ill kill your wife faster then you can say Punished Angel.¡± Aoshi ignored the warning and grabbed his sword as it fell towards the ground and leaped into the sky. He thrusted his sword in front of his face and went into a stance that made him look likes a dart himself. His jacket flew about him gracefully as if it was a part of him or like wings. He then yelled as he thrusted his sword quickly towards Rene. Jake seeing this commanded Rene to quickly change targets to Aoshi. Rene turned somersaulted in the air bringing her heel down at a frightening speed into Aoshi¡¯s Face. Aoshi quickly dodged it with much surprise. Rene crouching down from the movement of her heel slam quickly jolted upwards towards the retreating Aoshi holding her hand and shoving her elbow into Aoshi¡¯s opened chest. Aoshi Screamed in pain as he was directly blown into the chest. Kurai seeing an opportunity to attack Rene fired out a dark flame towards Rene¡¯s unprotected back. It hit her but didn¡¯t burn her at all, all it did was throw her forward a bit. Kurai slapped his head. ¡°UGG! I¡¯m such a baka!¡± He said in realization of an important rule of the Devils flame. Jake laughed. ¡°Yes you are Kurai you already forgotten your flame can only burn those who have living flesh. That mistake is going to cost you dearly.¡± Jake then tossed his hand in the air commanding Rene to attack Kurai. Rene flung herself forward towards Kurai. Kurai not having time to retreat threw a fist at Rene defensively. Before Kurai could even throw it downwards at Rene had already reached Kurai and grabbed both of his arms continuing propelling forward through the air now with Kurai with her. Kurai only having his legs tried to kick her while they flew forward towards a wall showing no signs of stopping. This proved difficult to do in their aerial state. Kurai smirked at Rene angrily. ¡°So your going to slam me into that wall we about to run into huh? Heh. Bring it ON!!!¡± Kurai yelled. And then crash, Kurai was dashed into the wall. A huge dust cloud kicked up and a low shaking whump filled the air. Debris fell about and Kurai and Rene was nowhere to be seen. Mint worriedly held Toadess who was looking continuously at the battle. Aoshi who just finished recovering from his pained Rib which was just knocked about again yelled to Kurai hoping for an answer. Kari held Riku who was resting and prayed for both fathers to be ok. The dust cleared and Kurai was shown pinned against a crater in the wall by Rene. Kurai was forcefully and painfully closing one eye staring straight at the emotionless face of Rene. Rene started to glow white again and the low haunting humming noise resumed. Kurai smirked painfully. ¡°Rene¡ your still in there aren¡¯t you?¡± Rene just stared straight at Kurai. ¡°Come on Rene. You got to remember me. Kurai remember?¡± He coughed out some dust. Rene showed no sign of stopping as electricity started to jump about Rene. ¡°I missed you probably just as much as Jake Rene. Heh, but I wasn¡¯t looking forward our reunion to have consist of a fight to survival.¡± Rene then formed a ball of electricity at her shoulders ready to jolt straight into Kurai. ¡°I may not know about Souls Rene but one thing I know they never forget anything. Never forgetting about people they care about. That¡¯s what makes everyone¡¯s soul unique ya know?¡± Kurai chuckled and stared at the balls of electricity. Aoshi started to fly towards Rene. Rene then released the electricity straight towards Kurai. Kurai yelled in pain but then stopped it and forced his eye open towards Rene. ¡°Damn you know how much this hurts Rene?¡± Kurai asked through clenched teeth. ¡°It hurts me right here¡.¡± Kurai slowly moved his hand towards his heart. ¡°It hurts may heart that ya don¡¯t remember me Rene. And that¡¯s probably worse then this lightning¡¡± Rene¡¯s head started to bob a bit. Showing some sort of unrobotic behavior. Aoshi seeing this stopped in his flight and looked amazed. Jake shook his head in disbelieve. ¡°huh?¡± He asks out loud. Kurai then leaned forward towards Rene. ¡°yeah, so ya know I probably shouldn¡¯t do this with Toadess looking and all but what the hell.¡± Kurai then Grunted and threw his arms forward throwing Rene backwards. Rene stumbled through the air but then stopped as she charged a plasma blast in her hand. But right before she could Kurai rushed towards Rene and embraced her. ¡°this ain't a hug Rene. This is just resisting your movements from attacking me ok?¡± Rene didn¡¯t move at all, but instead her eyes turned from the empty pool of green into lifelike green eyes. She let out a normal human gasp. ¡°Jake?¡± She answered instantly. But then once she felt the different hair texture she frightingly pulled away from Kurai holding her chest as if violated. Kurai disgustingly looked at Jake.
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Post by KuraiGekkou on Aug 27, 2004 14:46:21 GMT -5
¡°Damn¡ for a while I thought it was some true goodness crap was true and I was reaching Rene¡¯s soul. Turns out Jake just programmed her to react to the emotion of love to switch away from her robotic mode. Disgusting¡¡± Jake blushed in embarrassment. But then quickly and angrily called to Rene. ¡°Rene! Go attack them now!¡± Rene Hesitantly looked towards Kurai and once she did she flinched and held herself tighter. ¡°J¡ªJake¡ I don¡¯t think I can¡¡± Kurai looked at Rene and laughed. ¡°That¡¯s right, you have to activate her manually into Robotic mode. For now she is just the Rene we know. Except for the tampering on the soul you did Jake¡¡± He glared at Jake. Aoshi smiled as he remembered how Jake had to flick some sort of switch behind Rene¡¯s neck. ¡°so for now Jake¡¡± He grabbed Rene¡¯s arm and pulled her towards him. ¡°I¡¯m going to take her on a date ok?¡± He winked at Jake and Rene blushed holding her face in confusion of fright and embarrassment. Kurai seeing Rene blushed whistled in amazement. ¡°Wow, you really did a number on her emotion on love haven¡¯t ya?¡± he then slapped his head. ¡°Oh nahh. I forgot. I¡¯m a highly attractive bishie aren¡¯t I?¡± He laughed. Aoshi sweat dropped on how Kurai was taking this situation quite childishly. Kurai then waved to Jake, ¡°Ja Ne!¡± And he flew away picking up Toadess and Mint as he zipped straight out of the door. Jake quickly not really wanting his life work to be wasted away by a half devil human quickly put on a strange mechanical device and rocketed towards Kurai. Aoshi flew straight down in front of Jake. Jake quickly stopped. ¡°Out of mai way Satan¡¯s son, I am not letting Kurai take mai Rene.¡± His contraption he wore released a large plasma cannon aiming straight towards Aoshi. Aoshi chuckled slowly as he sees the cannon. ¡°I¡¯m sorry Jake. But for now Rene can¡¯t be bai your side for now. And with that Aoshi tilted his sword into the direction to reflect the sunlight. Then suddenly he threw the sword in the air Jake fired at it thinking Aoshi was jumping in the air to attack him. It hit nothing but the air around the sword. Jake quickly turned back to face the Aoshi who stood their. Instead he saw Rayan. ¡°Hey!¡± He smiled and tossed something about his hand. Jake growled impatiently and fired away towards Rayan¡¯s direction. Rayan gracefully flipped backwards his long jacket flapping about him. He then tossed the something in his hand towards the ground. It emitted an enormous light which filled the whole room. Jake yelled angrily. ¡°A flash bang! Damnit!¡± he covered his face shielding his face from the piercing light. Jake touched something around his ear and a strange type of glasses flipped about to cover his eyes. It allowed him to see through the bright light but only the heat from people¡¯s bodies. (duh Heat sensor crap.) Seeing Rayan nowhere he let out an angry roar and dash towards his huge metallic control panel stuff and slam down on a few buttons.
Kurai flew quickly and skiffully through the messy ruins of the abandoned lab. He carried along with him his family and a guest. Rene didn¡¯t say a thing ever since Kurai kidnapped her she just sort of stared at each person only opening her mouth but never saying anything. This made Kurai worried and constantly looking at her. ¡°Damn Rene. This is diffently not you right here.¡± He said staring straight at Rene¡¯s face which didn¡¯t return a look. Mint Quickly tapped his father¡¯s head quite rough. ¡°DAD! Keep your eyes on the road!¡± Kurai blushed embarrassingly as he quickly returned his face towards the road. Toadess stared at Rene too worryingly. ¡°Yeah. By now Rene darling you would have started blabbing off about some shopping and clothing¡¡± she said softly to her. ¡°Or embarrassing yourself¡± Kurai muttered under his breath. Mint whapped her fathers head again. ¡°BE nice!¡± Kurai flinched under the blow of her daughters palm and then groaned. ¡°I wonder how Aoshi is though¡¡± Toadess said looking up at Kurai. Kurai rolled his eyes. ¡°Aoshi and Rayan will be just fine. They got the freaking Priestess who has god on her side and they have the former son of Satan and along with that the offspring of both of them against a simple man who has some serious problem with his life. What harm could come to them?¡± Suddenly the whole place started to shake underneath them all. Kurai Curiously studied the ground. ¡°What the devil¡?¡± Kurai asked particularly no one. Suddenly the ground parted away in 2 directions as if mosses were separating the sea Desert style. Kurai froze to stare at the strange action of the ground. ¡°uhhh¡¡± Kurai stared dumbfounded at it. Toadess and Mint looked towards the ground to a bit worryingly. Mint started to scream. ¡°EEK! Daddy! Move away from there! I don¡¯t want to fall into that pit!¡± she started to kick about. Kurai groaned and obediently followed her daughter¡¯s whim. ¡°I¡¯m going to fall in the hole. Daddy isn¡¯t strong enough to carry me. NIENIENIE¡¡± Kurai said mockingly as he slowly floated away from the pit which started to grow larger as the two parts of lands continued to part. Kurai just continued to stare at it in the pure reason of curiosity. Suddenly a blast of air was heard from behind Kurai. Kurai quickly turned to see what produced the sound. There he saw Aoshi with his two pairs of devil wings spread out flying at a massively high speed which required a blast of Ki energy. Behind him was Kari with her own pair of angelic wings holding their offspring.
¡°KURAI YOU BAKA!¡± Aoshi yelled out towards the standing Kurai. ¡°GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!¡± Aoshi zipped past Kurai showing no signs of stopping. Kurai just stood there wondering. ¡°Why the hell should I get the hell out of here?¡± He wondered out loud. Kari then zipped past Kurai without a word. Recently Kari has grown much more traditional wife like and let her husband do most of the talking while she remains silent as if all she needed to say would come out of her husband. Kurai then turned down towards the pit again. The 2 grounds stopped moving. Suddenly a massive chorus of low humming sounds started to roar about towards the sky. As if a bunch of worshippers. Billions of small red dots started to glow in the dark deep pit. Kurai suddenly started to understand. ¡°Ohhhhhhh Army of Robots. AHH yes¡ right¡¡± Kurai started to chuckle. Sighed. A slow moment of silence. ¡°HOLY CRAP.¡± He yelled and then jetted out almost dropping Her family and the constantly silent Rene. Suddenly a shower of bullets shoots towards Kurai. Flying upwards trying to get out of range he struggles to stay afloat along with the added weight of the passengers. ¡°damn damn damn.¡± Kurai said in a sort of sing along rhythm. In aerial ballet he somehow managed to dodge the hail of bullets that flew upwards from the pit. The hail of bullets didn¡¯t stop in one wave. They continuously fired at Kurai till they could be satisfied and see him shot down. Time from time Kurai was hit bai a few as he tried to protect his family by flying in an awkward upside down position. ¡°ok¡ time to jet.¡± Kurai whispered to particular no one. Kurai concentrated on using a wave of energy to propel him forward away from the shower. But was interrupted bai a sudden blast piercing critically into his back. Kurai jolted upwards and then lost balance and dizzyingly fell downwards. This left everyone vurnable. Mint screamed and Toadess braced herself. Rene covered her face in fear. The wave of bullets continued to follow Kurai¡¯s downwards spiral but couldn¡¯t hit him due to his unsteady and unpredictable movements. However Rene was hit right in the arm. ¡°Oh!¡± Rene said in a surprised voice as if she was hurt for the first time in her life. She stared at her ripped skin revealing her robotic shell underneath. Kurai snapped back and then released his already stored energy to propel him quickly away. A wave of air blasted dust behind him away towards the robots in the pit. A few of them were kicked up bai the sudden blast of air and smashed against the ground.
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Post by KuraiGekkou on Aug 27, 2004 14:48:03 GMT -5
¡°So lets see now.¡± Kari smiled as she looked at Rene¡¯s wounded arm while she sat on the bed staring straight at Kari. She looked as if she was a newborn kitten just following her eyes at Kari who was just walking about the room grabbing this and that. She then looked at her own wounded arm and picked at it. Kari looked at her in a surprised gaze. ¡°Don¡¯t pick at it Rene! It might¡ bleed? Or something?¡± Rene immediately stopped and looked back at Kari. ¡° (hmm?)¡¡± was all was written on her face as she continuously stared at Kari. Kari just shrugged and then sat down next to Rene lifting up her arm slowly. ¡°Now lets see now¡.¡± Kari picked up rubbing alcohol naturally cause of all the children and their lil cuts and bruises. But as she stared at Rene¡¯s wound she got a confused gaze just like hers. ¡°uhh¡¡± Was all that came out of her mouth. She couldn¡¯t understand how she could disinfect a flesh wound if there wasn¡¯t any flesh at all. ¡°Maybe I should get Rayan to get a look at this.¡± She said smiling back at Rene. Rene just stared straight back at Kari but then looked down at her legs and her dress (which was now dirty from battle and Flying) and just kicked her legs about. Kari was a bit upset. Maybe it was cause Rene didn¡¯t react to her warm smile or just that she was getting impatient of Rene¡¯s silence. Sighing Kari sat up dusted her dress and then walked out to find Rayan. ¡°I¡¯ll be back in a flash Rene just stay there ok?¡± She said giving another one of her famous warm smiles. Rene continued to kick her feet until she heard Kari leave. She look towards the door to make sure she was gone and then held her chest and looked up at the ceiling. ¡°Jake?¡± She said softly to no one really. Suddenly a voice answered to that. ¡°Pshh. Jake really did do something to your head Rene.¡± Rene frowned and then squinted her eyes towards the ceiling. Kurai was there sitting on one of the beams on the ceiling look straight down towards Rene. He sat relaxed yawning. ¡°We still got to get on our date ya know?¡± he smiled and then turned to Rene. Rene again blushes due to her over stimulated love emotion. Kurai chuckled. ¡°Its just funny to watch you blush so easily now. The other Rene I would know would have probably stuck her tongue out and stomp away or just immediately slap me. Rene didn¡¯t say anything but just averted her gaze towards the hallway. Kurai stops laughing and then looks towards the doorway. Footsteps came towards their room. Rayan enters and smiles to Rene. ¡°Heard Kari couldn¡¯t really take care of that wound and needed an expert to check it out.¡± Rayan said as he flipped a strange sort of tool in his hand. ¡°Guess you could say I'm a doctor now.¡± He laughed at himself and then sat down in a chair in front of Rene. Rene looked down at the tool a bit nervously. Rayan saw her gaze and smiled. ¡°Ahh it shouldn¡¯t hurt you at all, especially since your sort of a robot now Rene.¡± Kurai sat unnoticed by Rayan as he observed the tool. ¡° I hope that doesn¡¯t hurt Rene. That thing is used to basically dissect Robots¡ ¡± Kurai said silently as he shifted uncomfortable on the beam. As Rayan continued to investigate Rene with the tool grabbing various wires inside Rene's wound. He was right; the tool didn¡¯t hurt Rene at all. Rayan continued his investigation with confused looks and interested ones. Rayan then looked up at Rene. ¡°Where is your main control panel? Most robots have this main control panel¡I¡¯m going to try something.¡± Rene just looked up at Rayan. ¡°¡(I don¡¯t know¡)¡¡± was all she sort of whispered or just hinted Rayan? Rayan then held his chin. ¡°I¡¯m going to check your back Rene. If you don¡¯t mind I mean.¡± Rayan said. Rene just tilt her head downwards and shook her head. Rayan gulped and then lifted up the back of her shirt. Come on Rayan she¡¯s just a robot¡. There he stood there facing Rene¡¯s fake flesh, which looked very much like a humans. Rayan blushed and Rene also. Kurai leaned closer from his spot on the beam. He had a goofy smile on him. Rene then held her face covering her own eyes. Rayan looked at her with concern, ¡°uhh are you ok Rene?¡± Rene turned halfway to face Rayan and just sort of in her silent language ¡°¡(ashamed)¡¡± Rayan sort of chuckled. ¡°Wow¡ Jake really programmed you quite well. To have a robot have such complex emotions¡ Or¡ Is it your soul that¡¯s doing it? I must look into this Human Karma project more.¡± Rene then gripped onto her long skirt closing her eyes. Rayan looked about her back. ¡°I see no control panel area¡¡± He then used his tool once again and pressed it against her back. Rene shuddered a bit from the cold tool. Rayan then took it off and looked at the reading on the tool. ¡°Its inside¡ you.¡± He said in a sort of disappointed voice. ¡°That would mean we would probably have to take you apart to get to the control panel. ¡°Unless¡¡± Rayan then pointed towards Rene¡¯s chest. ¡°The control panel is accessed from the basic stomach area. Rene looked at her own chest and shook her head furiously. ¡°¡ (No no no no no¡)¡± was all she basically said. Rayan then sat back on the bed. ¡°You mean you know where the control panel is?¡± Rene turned down to stare at the ground. ¡°¡ (No)¡¡± She shook her head. Rayan sighed. ¡°Well I¡¯m sorry Rene, but I have to check one of your programs on the control panel¡¡± Rene shook her head furiously again. Rayan then turned to Rene again. ¡°Is it cause you don¡¯t want me to look? I could get my wife to do it you know¡¡± Rene then shook her head again. ¡°¡ (No its not that¡)¡¡± Rene gripped onto Rayan¡¯s arm as if not wanting him to leave. Rayan sort of jolted at the grip as if her touch was electric. Rayan then looked at Rene or at least tried to she kept hiding her face. ¡°Well then what is it?¡± He asked. Rene then slowly turned towards where Kurai was sitting. Kurai jolted backwards in surprise. ¡°GAH!¡± And he flipped backwards off the beam. Rene pulled down her shirt quickly as Kurai fell down. Rayan just stared at Kurai. Kurai stood up rubbing his head and then stared at Rayan and Rene through one eye. A moment of silence as Rayan and Kurai stared at each other. Then suddenly Rayan burst out laughing. ¡°So the reason she didn¡¯t want to take off her shirt was not cause she was too embarrassed or anything. It was cause she didn¡¯t want you to watch Kurai!¡± Kurai crossed his arms and just stood up and left. ¡°Stupid¡¡± He said as he left. Rene didn¡¯t look at Kurai at all but just covered her chest with her arms looking away from both men. Mint carried a couple of plates as she rushed into the Kitchen. ¡°Ai-ya!!! Mom!! A spider!!!¡± She leaned towards her mother¡¯s shoulder as she shut her eyes tight with fear. Toadess¡¯s hand reached for the fly swatter as she sighed in a sort of sarcastic way. ¡°Mint darling you got to be kidding me¡ A spider?¡± She then proceeded to enter the dining room where Mint just ran from. Mint followed closely huddling up to her mother. There on one of the plates was a little itty bitty spider about the size of a marble. Toadess slowly approached it for she too was afraid of spiders. Slowly and steadily she raised her flyswatter above the spider. Mint watched closely from the safety of her mothers shoulder. Then after a short stare down between the spider and the crazy elfin girl. She threw down her flyswatter towards the spider. It missed and hit the plate catapulting the poor spider across the dining room towards both ladies. Both of them started screaming widely as the spider flew towards them they both fell backwards and scooted up against a wall. ¡°YAHH!!! Spider!!¡± Toadess yelled as she scooted backwards almost crushing poor Mint behind her. She then raised the flyswatter again. But this time as she threw it down, it flung out of her hand missing the spider and sent beyond the spider. The spider innocently crawled frantically and blindly towards Toadess and Mint. Both girls defensively screamed as they continued backing up. Just before the spider reached them however Kurai came into the room and just looked at their poor pathetic huddle. Kurai sighed and then went over to pick up the spider gently and toss him out the window. Kurai then looked back at the two still frightened ladies. ¡°Toadess honey¡ Mint¡ you got to be kidding me¡ a spider?¡± Mint ignored Kurai¡¯s comment and then just hugged him. ¡°Daddy¡¯s the best!¡± and Kurai just sighed with content or something else. Toadess stood up dusted her apron and then went back to the kitchen without saying a word. Kurai sniffed the air. ¡°Wow. What you preparing for this lil dinner sweets?¡± he asked Toadess. Toadess peeked around the kitchen wall to reply. ¡°Ooo some chicken dinner with some rolls and junk. Just something not too fancy, I mean I don¡¯t think robots eat do they?¡± Kurai scratched his head at this. ¡°Well still you got to get a lot for that boy Riku¡ last time he came over he almost ate the dinner table cover too¡ and also I hope its going to be Aoshi showing up¡ not Rayan. Then we will have to boys chewing up the dinner table cover.¡± Mint groaned at those comments but Toadess couldn¡¯t help but giggle.
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Post by RayanStiger on Aug 27, 2004 18:14:04 GMT -5
This needs major editing. Your keyboard was chinked? Because there are no " in the whole thing...just weird symbols and lots of _ everywhere, only up top and not on the bottom.
Also I don't think you did Kari's personality very well. Rayan's isn't quite how he should be, either, but more so with Kari. She seems impatient and such, where as I think, having read Aileen's past role plays with her, that she in more quiet, tender, patient, that sort of thing. And emotionally detached, I might add. Lastly, you didn't mention Riku much...what I mean is that he didn't do anything. When they went back to the house, I didn't see any mention of him...whether he was lying down resting or what.
But criticisms aside, I like it, although it needs lots and lots of spelling and grammar issues fixed. But Rayan and Aoshi are so cool...Rayan doing the back flip with his coat whipping around him. And Kurai joking around even when things are darkly serious. You just gotta love that.
Anyways, if I weren't going on vacation tomorrow, I'd take the time to edit this for you. If you don't edit it by the time I come back, I might do that for you. Although I might just bug you to do it instead.
And oh yeah...I haven't finished my last part of other Fyia fanfic yet. heh heh...*sweatdrop* Yeah I'll see about working on that while I'm up in Michigan and Illonois doing practially nothing, since I won't be doing much most of the time, especially the first two days. And I really want and need to finish my part. I'm greatly anticipating whatever twists Alan gives the story, as well. So having said that...I think I'll work on that while I'm gone. Yeah.
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Post by Taylor on Aug 29, 2004 17:06:45 GMT -5
I liked it, and the part that Kari was annoyed az bit by Rene not responding really or w/e.
^>^ MORE MORE MORE!!!
You should put up ur profile pictures of this story!
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Aldora
Infantry
LadyDarkness
Where there is Light, there is Darkness. Darkness and Light are the two halves of one.
Posts: 105
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Post by Aldora on Aug 31, 2004 17:33:42 GMT -5
Hm..*think thoughtfully* i like it though it was kinda hard to read... Kari's got loads of patience and she's emotionally detached like Rayan said.
On a side note, Aldora's an aunt! XD I can't imagine Aldora being an aunt.
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Post by RayanStiger on Aug 31, 2004 17:41:44 GMT -5
*imagines Aldora as Riku's aunt*
...
*sweatdrop*
Yeah...that's kinda...woah. As you said...hard to imagine. Having rped her in the part I'm writing up for the other fanfic, she would make one heckuva aunt. Or even distant relative, for that matter. ^_^
Anyways...still thinking on other fanfic stuff. Write more if you're up to it, Alan. For this one, I mean.
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